Just became a statistic...(ot)

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  1. KidWok

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    I've been a bit quiet lately but you might find me here more often now. My wife just filed for divorce. Hold on now...don't tell me how sorry you are or worry about me. I've been dealing with a rough relationship for years. Same gal that I wrote about breaking up with 8 years ago in here and same issues, except there was finally a diagnosis of mental/personality disorder this year which she has subsequently refused to treat. All this time...I was blaming myself for not being able to get along with her. Personally, I'm very relieved. I am sad about how it will affect our two young boys, 4 and 2, but getting a divorce now is probably the lesser of evils.

    So...my like-minded forum friends...remind me what it's like to ride my bike and enjoy life. Share your stories of healing with me. I need some perspective in this moment, preferably positive ones but don't hesitate to tell me your cautionary tales. But whatever you do, don't tell me how sorry you are about it...*** the word out if you have to say it. I've already started looking forward to the next phase of my life. I've got two awesome boys, the best job in the world, and the most negative thing about my life is now about to go away on its own.

    Oh yeah...I got some pretty awesome bikes too. Maybe not so OT after all.

    Tai

    http://www.thepeoplescoastclassic.org/
    Posted 5 months ago

  2. Cosmic Kid

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    Tai-

    I'm glad you have been able to reach some closure on what has apparently been a tough run. Congrats on the healthy approach to it.

    All the best for you and your kids.

    (really wanted to use the "s" word, though!!)

    Just say "NO!!" to WCP!

    "Want to get faster? Work harder, eat better, cut the crap. Instead of talking the talk, work the work"
    Posted 5 months ago

  3. new mexico spinner

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    Tai, maybe go back and read the postings from a few weeks back about 'first bike owned' ... Go back to the beginning. Riding was simple then, you got on and spun the peddles, and it was joyful.

    Over time, Riding is the only thing that stayed such a simple joy. So instead of my Schwinn Pixie, I'm off to ride my new bike. I will hop on and start spinning, and joy will follow along; what is more healing than joy?

    Posted 5 months ago

  4. hoshie99

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    OK, I'll go one further and tell you the opposite of sorry from personal observation. I have two friends who are successful, smart, and driven who were both miserable FOR YEARS due to a poor primary relationship that they could not make work.

    Congratulations.

    Within one year, your spirits will be lifted. So get thru the muddy phase quickly so you can start enjoying your life. Don't delay, don't hesitate and move thru all the logistics quickly.

    I mean it, so although I get that this type of stuff is hard, it really sounds like a good thing based on your description.

    And kudos for you for putting the chain in the big ring when taking a photo, except I can see the orange cone ;-)

    Best of luck-

    J

    Posted 5 months ago

  5. Keith RIchards

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    Ugh man. I just had an abysmal 90 minute marriage counselor session with my wife Sunday evening.

    I don't want it to get to this...sigh.

    Glad it worked out ok for you Tai.

    It is his word versus ours. We like our word. We like where we stand and we like our credibility."--Lance Armstrong.
    Posted 5 months ago

  6. jacques_anquetil

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    holy crap, Tai. gut punch indeed. seems it's going around: my brother and his wife, my wife's sister and her husband, one of my buddies, and another buddy who's marriage has been on the rocks for years.

    despite the messy middle section, these things tend to be happier in the long run. hope it works out for you guys. and the boys too.

    Posted 5 months ago

  7. vtguy

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    Just concentrate of being a great dad and, by all means, keep riding. There are lots of us who made a selection error the first time around. Sounds like you've got a lot positive going on.

    Posted 5 months ago

  8. watermoccasin

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    You'll get loads of advice-- some good, some not so good so take what everyone says with a grain of salt.

    Best of luck to you, your soon-to-be-ex, and most of all your kids.

    "When two people decide to get a divorce, it isn't a sign that they "don't understand" one another, but a sign that they have, at last, begun to."

    Posted 5 months ago

  9. jpouchet

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    Every pedal stroke is one more second, give or take, towards your vision of a new future. You aren't leaving anything behind. Just changing direction.

    Listen to your internal compass. It will point you where you need to go. If in doubt, look to your children.

    Best wishes and safe travels on the journey of life.

    Posted 5 months ago

  10. Tortue Volante

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    Years ago, I went through what has to be considered an "amicable" divorce. Even though we both tried to be as decent as possible, I will tell you there were some rough times and dark days. That said, I am far, far happier now than I would have been if we had stayed together (and I was not the one who initiated the divorce).

    I think that was about the time I rediscovered my bike, which allowed me to rediscover many things about myself.

    I decided to stay single for five years. I made it to three, and am grateful for every day that I've had with my (much more appropriate) mate ever since.

    Posted 5 months ago

  11. 79pmooney

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    I realized I picked a woman to marry that had issues that meant I would never be OK to her unless she could "fix me". When I sought recover on my own, things got worse. Things ultimately blowing up and me moving out turned out to be the best thing.

    And the bikes? I have had two since I raced in the '70s, my winter fixie and the '79 Mooney. I started riding again. No, I never actually quit, but time, mileage and bike care all fell way off those six years. Picked up an old Schwinn LeTour to be a geared winter bike. A Univega racing frame that reminded me of my old racing bike. The old love affair was coming back. Had the ti bike built. Put together Jessica. Mileage started going up to levels I haven't ridden in decades.

    Now it's six bikes. And I'm cleaning and organizing the garage to better care for them (and clean out stuff I haven't wanted to look at from our marriage).

    There is a line from a book that I have tried to take to heart. "To love and tolerate others is our code." I don't have to like what they do, I don't even have to like them, but I do have to love and tolerate them. Helps me a lot with people who are problems for me.

    Ben

    Posted 5 months ago

  12. Gonzo Cyclist

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    Tai, really sorry to hear, but I understand where you are at, this sounds much like the dysfunctional 1st marriage I had, and I was a bit sad, but HUGELY relieved when it was over, blamed myself for a lot of the problems, but realized it was more about her, found major solace and peace on the bike at that time, so my advice is hammer the miles on the bike, enjoy life, enjoy your kids, and ride, ride, ride, and build some more beauties for therapy.

    Take Care!!

    P.S. I married the right one 12 years later

    K

    Photobucket
    Posted 5 months ago

  13. rnddude

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    TV hits upon a very smart thing...."I decided to stay single for five years. I made it to three,..."

    After the end of a long relationship, I think it is wise to try to stay single for a good bit of time. It will be hard, as loneliness can be a very difficult thing to deal with. But....learning that you CAN make it thru life on your own keeps you from doing the worst thing possible in a new relationship, settling for less than you need or deserve to be happy. Then if and when you find that new soulmate, there will be little hesitation.

    "To be free and to live a free life - that is the most beautiful thing there is."
    Miguel Indurain
    Posted 5 months ago

  14. longslowdistance

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    Wow, a lot of divorce stories. Good to hear so many happy endings. Good luck Kidwok, and I hope before too long you'll feel the same.

    Posted 5 months ago

  15. huckleberry

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    I expect a visit this Summer as I build in the Methow for some quality rides!

    Posted 5 months ago

  16. hplbiking

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    My advice would be more from a kid from a divorce. Remember no matter how bad her problems or she may be she is the kid's mom and try hard to keep them out of your issues with her.

    That being said, once they are old enough do not keep secrets from them to "protect them". No expert here, but I think it is better to have open communications with them and let them decide how to process it.

    My wife and I have been jogging together a bit lately and someone asked me if we ride together. Good god no, that’s my time! We realized at an early point of our relationship that we both need small breaks from each other and the kids. We both respect that and it had helped our relationship – plus I get to ride more! I think that is what you call a win, win!

    Best of luck to you. Even thought it is the right decision I have no doubt it was not an easy one.

    Posted 5 months ago

  17. iamus72

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    Well I'm sorry to read about the breakup. Divorces are never easy and many of the people I know who have gone through them did not do so lightly but after having made many attempts to make the situation "better" myself included. Heck my ex and I completely relocated across country thinking the fresh start would help. It only prolonged the inevitable before we realized that neither was happy or could make the other happy. We loved each other to realize that letting each go their own way was the best. It was tough but in the end we've both ended up happier and luckily no bitterness between us.

    I will tell you that a lot of positives came out of that situation. I rediscovered that riding simply to ride was the greatest pleasure I had at the time. Going out and hammering the dirt trails on my mtb by myself was cathartic in helping me move past the depression that was filling me up. It helped me clear my head of the stresses in my life. When I took long road rides along the back roads of MD and VA and could ride miles and miles and simply enjoy being alive, count my blessings, enjoying the outdoors, actually seeing things instead of just looking, breathing in the air and all of the smells it carried, feeling the wind, the cold, the rain, the heat on my skin helped me work through all of those dark moments in my life and helped me get out there and make the positive changes in my life.

    Subsequently I met some great people as a result of riding my bike. I met bartape and KR. Was able to convince myself that making positive changes for myself was the right thing to do. Had a I never gotten back on the bike and just enjoyed riding, I'm not sure what would have happened to me. I went back to grad school, met some more great cycling friends, met and fell in love with my second and last wife, got passionate about my career again, and I'm in a much better place as a result.

    I keep trying to inspire others to ride - regardless if it's a road bike, mountain, cruiser or junk bike. Just get out and ride as far as you like and enjoy the simplicity. Take your kids on rides, just enjoy riding. I can't say for sure if rediscovering the bike for me changed my life but I can say for certain, had I not gotten back out there and ridden...a lot, I would definitely be a different person in a different place than I am.

    Posted 5 months ago

  18. Orange Crush

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    Along the lines of what huck said, I expect a meetup at Mt. Baker. We'll fly down the hill in orange outfits. It sounds like you've moving on already...props to you.

    The wise man said follow me...and he walked behind.
    Posted 5 months ago

  19. TheShortWhiteGuy

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    If I were in your position, I would ask "WWBD?" (What Would Bob Do?), which would lead me to buying more bikes. In the meantime, I would get on that damn Colnago, ride that thing as fast as possible down any deserted street, unclip from my pedals, raise my arms high above my head and shout at the top of my lungs "free at last, free at last, thank Gawd I'm free at last". Then I would probably clip a curb or hit a pothole from not riding enough lately.

    Life is too short to be small. - Disraeli

    So, why not be petty? - The Short White Guy™
    Posted 5 months ago

  20. JRH2

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    Tai, I'll chime in only because I learned something helpful that I've shared with friends going through this type of life event. 14 years ago my ex-wife told me she did not believe in marriage and was leaving. I was stunned.

    What I learned was the value of being really thorough with the emotions, reactions, and fears of my divorce. I sought help from a counselor to aid me in this process. I wanted to avoid having those fears and emotions lurking around only to plague my future with continued challenge. It was the best gift I could have given myself at the time, perhaps (gasp) even better than a new bike....

    I wish you and your kids well. Feel free to PM me if you need an ear.

    Posted 5 months ago

  21. ChinookPass

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    Best of luck, Tai. Life is long and you never know what is around the next bend in the road. There's more than one way to do this living thing and it isn't always how we expect it will be but we are all human and try to do the best we can. You are a level-headed guy and I'm sure will come out the other side intact.

    Posted 5 months ago

  22. Yo Mike

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    Lots of good advice above, and since I have not been married yet myself - which will change in September - I'll simply offer best wishes to all involved.

    Posted 5 months ago

  23. pa biker

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    You are only alone when you choose to be so and sometimes being alone is good.

    For all the other times, many are with you Tai - many.

    But if decide that you can't handle the grief, and plan to jump off a bridge, could you ship that Colnago to me first?

    If not, I'll buy some orange, burn some Delta miles, and head out West with my CAAD10 for a meet-up - after all my ancestors are from Rotterdam.

    Posted 5 months ago

  24. huckleberry

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    I am sensing a PNW group support ride this Summer for Tai wether he needs it or not ; )

    I'm voting for some serious rides in the North Cascades, and of course some serious local brews...

    Any takers?

    Posted 5 months ago

  25. abrickinthewall

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    I've been through the very same legal process, but each one is probably unique from the human perspective. Because of that, I really don't have any words of advice other than take the time you need to get/stay healthy (ride your bike) and take care of your boys.

    I'm also from the PNW, although getting to the Methow would be quite a long bikeride for me, hmmmm.

    Posted 5 months ago

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