Just became a statistic...(ot)

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  1. pa biker

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    There should be 54% of us who have shared the divorce experience first-hand and sort of know what you are going through. Obviously, even though it's almost the same thing it is wholly different each time - so take it all with a grain of salt.

    My parents divorced when I was 12. I am one of four. Two of my siblings are divorced. My wife's parents are still married. She is one of four. Two of her four are divorced.

    Hard to say. I like me, don't blame my mom or dad and have a good marriage (only 11 years).

    Like you and keep thinking about the kids.

    Grain of salt.

    Posted 5 months ago

  2. KidWok

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    Hi all...

    Really appreciate the support. This community is the one I have participated in the longest so it alway seems like home, even if I've been away for awhile. I am in here every day actually...just haven't been in the mood to talk much lately.

    My outlook on life has generally been positive. This won't be the worst thing that has happened to me, so I feel confident that I can deal with it. My boys are very resilient little creatures too. They have their dad's positive and goofy vibe, so I think they will get through it with their humor and passion for life. Taking care of their needs is the top priority.

    Huck...you're on man! Would love to ride with you again. No support group necessary...this isn't a sad moment!

    PA...my son already called dibs on the Colnago...sorry. He has 14 years to grow into it.

    KR...best of luck man. One of the most confusing parts for me was equating working hard in counseling to being in love. I realize now that the love was gone a long time ago in my marriage, at least for me. But if you love your wife, I hope you both can resolve the situation soon. I miss the feeling of being in love and hope you still have it.

    hplbiking...yeah...that will be a tough one. My wife has some mental health issues that need to be dealt with if she wants healthy relationships with our sons. Getting me out of the picture won't resolve that. I hope she can have some peace to start thinking more about these matters. I selfishly want to say "Not my problem anymore" but it will be if she acts the same way to the boys.

    WM...you know...I think that is pretty accurate. I think we both knew the situation was unresolvable. She did me a favor by setting me free.

    JA...actually kind of the opposite. For the first time in a long time, I feel like I'm not walking around waiting for someone to figuratively punch me in the guts at any random moment. I'm much more relaxed now.

    TV...definitely taking a break. Even though I am looking forward and staying positive, I will probably need some time for the half-life of this emotional toxicity to decay a bit. The kids will need some time to settle as well. I don't doubt I will find someone else. When I do, I'll have some more experience about choosing a better partner.

    OC...never ridden Mt. Baker before. You're on!

    YoMike...I still believe in love...congrats on finding someone you want to spend your life with.

    JRH2...spent the last 8 years in counseling on and off, both individual and couples. It helps tremendously. Probably the reason why I'm feeling pretty mellow now.

    iamus72...you said the s**** word!

    Hoshie99...that's a water bottle kickstand...and it's not only big ring, but also middle cog. Total pro man.

    Thanks all...appreciate all the positive vibes.

    Tai

    http://www.thepeoplescoastclassic.org/
    Posted 5 months ago

  3. Cosmic Kid

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    I'm up for. PNW Support / Celebration / whatever ride.....

    Cn I bring my tri-bike?

    Just say "NO!!" to WCP!

    "Want to get faster? Work harder, eat better, cut the crap. Instead of talking the talk, work the work"
    Posted 5 months ago

  4. pa biker

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    Shit he's healed.

    Are we still riding?

    CK Yeah if you wanna get dropped :) (just in case you are wicked fast)

    Posted 5 months ago

  5. watermoccasin

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    Kid, check your PM's

    Posted 5 months ago

  6. pikeHillRoad

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    Best thing that ever happened to me was my parents getting divorced. It opened so many doors. Sadly, it also gave me cautionary tales as I watched on parent thrive and the other not. Bottom line is that if you can make a happy and supportive life and home for your kids, you will be doing right be both them and you.

    Good luck man.

    As for the pnw mental health ride, why not at SV at the end of June?

    Posted 5 months ago

  7. Orange Crush

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    I'm game but 'd say the time to heal & check what kind of stuff we're made off is NOW, dead of winter. Pick a place near a hot spring...

    ...ride...soak...drink...done.

    (may want to think twice about that tricycle eehrr tri-bike tho)

    The wise man said follow me...and he walked behind.
    Posted 5 months ago

  8. george

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    Got divorced 21 years ago, our son Brandon, stayed with me since my ex had much the same problems as yours.
    My ex and I maintained a cordial relationship, our son Brandon just turned turned 35 this past week and I couldn't be more proud or happy with the kind of person he became.
    I have had a strong intimate relationship with Nancy going on 18 years, some of the best years of my life.
    We maintain our own abodes but get together most weekends or when it strikes our fancy. This lifestyle has kept our relationship passionate.

    Tai,life is an adventure,you have a lot to look forward to with your two wonderful kids and eventual soul mate.
    In the meantime riding is as good for the soul as it is for the heart.

    Posted 5 months ago

  9. george

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    BTW I meet Nancy my girlfriend through one of those tele personal ads where you describe yourself,age, hobbies etc.
    After meeting with 8 or 9 women I was about to give it up but lucked out on the 10th with Nancy.

    Posted 5 months ago

  10. eurochien

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    Tai, welcome to the club.

    Posted 5 months ago

  11. velojo

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    Being married to the same wonderful woman for the last 1/4 century, I consider myself lucky beyond belief. I do have a bunch of friends that have had some crazy themes going thru the process.

    Protect yourself. Don't beat yourself up. It is done, next step starts now.

    Be good to the kids. Do what it takes for you both to do right by them.

    Lawyer up but don't fight over the household crap, that just costs money. The music, pots, pans, leather couch are all expendible. Follow the money. Retirement, 401k, investments are very important later. Be nice, but don't give it all away.

    Exercise is good, really good.

    Do not get depressed, you are still alive and don't have really bad stuff like cancer. You will get thru this.

    Posted 5 months ago

  12. madvax

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    KidWok, Sorry for what you are going though.

    Sweet Colnago!

    Posted 5 months ago

  13. Keith RIchards

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    One of the most confusing parts for me was equating working hard in counseling to being in love.

    Dude...that's deep. You gave me A LOT to think about with this one statement.

    It is his word versus ours. We like our word. We like where we stand and we like our credibility."--Lance Armstrong.
    Posted 5 months ago

  14. jpouchet

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    PNW summer rally - count me in. I'll even bring my own bike this time!

    FYI - it is a wee bit hilly in Tai's area. Not long hills but plenty of up and down riding.

    Posted 5 months ago

  15. zootracer

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    I've managed to stay married to the same sweet Italian gal for 46 years. Our marriage has had it's ups and downs. Now for the very first time we will be grand parents.

    Kid-I have a Master X-Light Team Rabobank also. Also a Regal saddle, but it's black...

    Posted 5 months ago

  16. KidWok

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    KR...equally glad that I could give you a useful perspective, but empathetically gut-wrenched to offer you yet another scary thing to think about. Call it payback for helping me buy the car of my dreams.

    On B99 biodiesel no less.

    Velojo...I want none of the household stuff. Nope. New life. New couch that I didn't choose to sleep on too many times. New pots and pans. I do want my Global Santoku knife and well-seasoned cast iron frying pan though. A man's gotta have priorities.

    Tai

    Posted 5 months ago

  17. thinline

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    Ya know, one day a few years back I was in my car and I heard Neil Young's Oh Lonesome Me and thought, crap, that guy (narrator) has been whining about the same womoan since I was in high school. Get over it.

    Then, it occured to me that everyone writes songs about how painful the breakup was, but noone ever sems to write the 6 month or 12 month lookback song, where ya look back and think, "Wow, why on earth did I let that happen, I am so much better off."

    So, I wrote one. Apologies for the somewhat sloppy performance:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pKrUd8KOt6k

    Cheers, Tai. Best to you and your boys. And remember, the bike never complains about how you ride it!

    Posted 5 months ago

  18. Keith RIchards

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    Kid, glad you are enjoying the car. Life is too short baby...

    Sigh. I dunno man. Maybe I am not cut out for this marriage thing...

    Posted 5 months ago

  19. gobuck

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    "never give up, never surrender"

    Posted 5 months ago

  20. KidWok

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    KR...Hit me offline if you need someone to talk to. Going through the legal stuff now and could offer you some insights there in case you move that direction. Otherwise happy to just lend a ear without being a judgemental dingbat like so many people (especially family members) will be if you go down that road.

    The car has been great, but you should have seen the bill for the 80k service...new lifters, water pump, etc etc. No wonder the guy sold it at 70k. I knew it was coming though...the price I pay for trying to be environmentally friendly.

    Tai

    Posted 5 months ago

  21. Spud

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    Hope all goes well for you Tai. Like many here, I've been there as well.

    "Riding is about rhythm and flow. It's the wind in your face and the challange of hammering up a long hill. It's the reward at the top and the thrill of a high-speed descent. Biking lets you come alive both in body and spirit."
    Posted 5 months ago

  22. CB2

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    The best thing you can do for your kids is be honest with yourself and follow your passion. Happy Tai = happpy kids.

    No divorce, but I bought a business connected to the building and remodeling industry after working there for for 19 years...six months before the market crash. Long story short, I struggled for 5 years, finally having to close down in July.

    Riding kept me going.

    But it wasn't enough to insulate my family from the despair of a failing business.

    I started working at a bike shop. Commuting to work on a regular basis, downsized, living simpler. Being the person I wanted to be.

    My wife confided in me how much a difference she sees in me, how she used to almost dread me getting home from work as I was so miserable (I didn't realizes I was putting off such a vibe). My 14 year old daughter just told me how glad she was I'm her dad.

    So that's my take on it; embrace your passion and everything will fall in line.

    Jam Econo
    Posted 4 months ago

  23. Habanero

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    I don't know how I missed this thread. Be good to yourself Tai, so you can be good with your kids. Please feel free to be in touch and again take care if yourself and I hope you find solace on the bike and through time with your beautiful kiddos.
    Be well!

    "There is no better than adversity. Every defeat, every heartbreak, every loss, contains its own seed, its own lesson on how to improve your performance the next time."
    Malcolm X
    Posted 4 months ago

  24. KidWok

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    Hab...you're miles ahead of me on this road and I appreciate your perspective.

    CB...I am in the same boat. The weight of the toxic relationship was lifted off my shoulders almost instantly. I've been able to really enjoy my time with the kids now.

    A bit of an update...things continue to improve. The first battle was in court last Thursday, where the judge gave me every weekend and two midweek evenings with my boys, which was close to what we asked for and more than expected. I've definitely been easing back into cycling, going out for easy flat 30 mile coffee runs. With my new found free time, I've been able to take back my social life, going out with friends that had long stopped asking if I was available. Splurged and saw Lincoln, The Hobbit, and les Miserables this last two weeks.

    Emotionally, I go back and forth between being exceedingly happy and relieved that I am out of the relationship and a bit of sadness about the breaking up of my family, even if that supposes an idealized notion of what my family was. Most importantly, the boys are doing well. My almost ex and I are giving each other the chance to Skype with them twice a day to make sure we are both in their lives daily.

    Still have a lengthy legal battle to go, but I got the thing I cared about the most...time with the boys. Too early to truly feel liberated, but the anticipation is good enough for now.

    Tai

    Posted 4 months ago

  25. huckleberry

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    Nice update, Tai.

    The best to you in the New Year!

    Posted 4 months ago

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